i feel a strong inter-connectedness today…to a lot of people and memories.
Somehow to All. And yet, it seems to be a time of ‘Dual-Experience’ for me.
I am outside of my comfortzone…where i am meant to be.
want to be here, but at the same time i don’t know how to
compensate this with not wanting to be here.
It seems to be a time of Opposites. As i am writing this, i realize that this is the Truth. This is what i have been feeling for the last couple of weeks, if not months, if not years, if not ever!!
Perhaps it All lies much deeper than expected. Now, being faced with a situation where i actually feel comfortable at where i am, yet not wanting to be in the place where i am, i stand before a decision.
Or better, i feel myself within an ‘In-between’. I feel divided. Two-sided…lopsided, as my aunt would say. i had never heard this expression before she mentioned it one day. I have exactly that Impression!
Realizing now that it is ok. It is alright to feel like this. This feeling came naturally, and it will leave naturally.
In a way i want to loose this feeling of being scared when someone mentions ‘Staying’ to me. This is new. Both the feeling and wanting to get rid of it. Do i really want to get rid of it?
In the Conversation this morning with my current boss, upon him kindly saying that he sees me possibly staying with the position for quite a while, possibly even reaching to a higher one, half of me felt proud and smiled to the outside, yet the other Half felt-, and behind this Smile, was instant -fear (and i noticed it immediately)!
An almost instinctive Fear, to be ‘made to stay’. To be here long enough to grow roots.
Maybe i am scared of ‘rooting’ after all.
And maybe this has been so for a long time, without me even knowing. Perhaps, through this unknown ‘fearful behavior’, i have spared myself many great Experiences, many possible ‘stable’ lives (which i might have wanted in a different Reality). Maybe this is Ok too!
And maybe this is a lot of ‘Maybe’s’.
Yes. Truth spoken, i always imagined myself centered, grounded (maybe :)), and a family type. Yet recently, and especially so in the last two years, i find myself exploring the Happiness of Solitude!
No relationship, no partnership. Just me and my own company. i find a tasteful Freedom in it. Possibly a Freedom, which i am not willing to give up anymore!
That too, scares me! Because i do miss the values of closeness to another Person.
Everything shall come in it’s right Time. I learned about myself, that i need a lot of alone time. To stay centered. To relax, to release.
So for now, i just accept and stay.
I stay in being here. I stay, in being divided. In being uncomfortable. And i stay in not knowing where the path will lead me, just trusting that i am always good taken care of, that life will lead me the right way.
i am here, where i am meant to be. Right now. And however i feel, this is the feeling that i need to go through right now, consciously. It will lead to the next stage. The next chapter. The next page, next lesson.
i ‘sit’ with it. It will be Ok. Any situation challenges us to step up again, out of our comfort zone.
I am comfortable outside my comfort zone. Or trying to be. Maybe.
I live the ‘Dual-Reality’ for now…
I want to be here and there.
I want to root and not root.
I want to be together and i want to be alone.
I want to be in a relationship and yet i don’t want to compromise my Freedom.
I know that indeed i can have it All.
Because i was meant to have it All!
Everything will resolve itself perfectly, as it always does.